


Who could ever leave me, darling? But, who could stay?

by Wearethepogues



Category: Outer Banks (TV)
Genre: Angst, Crush, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-08
Updated: 2020-05-08
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:01:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,675
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24073372
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wearethepogues/pseuds/Wearethepogues
Summary: He’s 8 when his mom splits.She leaves a summer night between hushed apologies and tears, while his dad is passed out on the couch.
Relationships: JJ & Kiara & Pope & John B. Routledge, JJ & Kiara & Pope (Outer Banks), JJ & Kiara (Outer Banks), JJ/Kiara (Outer Banks)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 69





	Who could ever leave me, darling? But, who could stay?

He’s 8 when his mom splits.

She leaves a summer night between hushed apologies and tears, while his dad is passed out on the couch. 

“Mom, don’t leave me”- he pleads, his eyes are filled with tears and he’s clutching her hoodie as hard as he can,but she just looks at him and cries some more. “I can’t stay anymore, baby.” She takes a deep breath to calm herself and looks to the living room, to make sure that his dad hasn’t woken up “ This is not the life that I wanted” 

He tells her that he doesn’t care, that she’s supposed to stay, that it’s her job as a mommy to stay with him forever. But, she keeps packing her things. Going through the motions,without even looking at him anymore. As if she didn’t know that her only son was desperately trying to talk to her. For a second, JJ wonders if he might be invisible and moves to stand in front of her but, when his mom just turns around with tears in her eyes and keeps packing, he realizes that he’s as invisible as she is. “Please JJ, go to sleep”-she begs, and JJ almost gives in. She sounds very sad. He hates that she’s upset because of him, so he nods and gets out of her room.

While he is walking back to his room, he realizes that she’s going to leave him alone with his dad. And, even though JJ loves his dad, he doesn’t think that his dad has loved anything but beer in a long time. So, he runs to his room and ,carefully,so he doesn’t wake him up, packs a few thing in his school backpack and runs back to his parents room.He stands in the doorway watching his mom frantically packing all her things, making the room look like she had never lived there. “I’m going with you”. 

He takes a tentative step towards his mom and slowly reaches to touch her but, she flinches away, as if his hands were made of blades, and the mere thought of getting touched by him,made her want to tear her flesh apart. “No , you can’t come with me”-she exclaims, a little bit too loudly, and they can hear his dad snoring in protest from the living room. His mom looks terrified for a second,she signals for him to go back to his room but, he can’t will his legs to move. _What’s going on? Why is mommy so scared?_ She ends up pulling him to the room and shutting the door behind them. “You have to stay here”- she says sternly.

JJ can feel his eyes welling up with tears and his face getting hot with embarrassment, he’s crying like a baby. He knows that his dad would be mad at him if he knew but, he can’t help it. His mom doesn’t love him anymore.

JJ doesn't understand, he knows that he’s always getting in trouble with Mrs. Wilson because he can’t sit still in class and pay attention like a good boy. It’s just that classes are too long and they don’t let him talk, at all. He hates having to sit in silence, he can’t concentrate on anything like that. Actually, he can’t understand how any of his classmates can stay put for so long. 

They all look at him like he’s stupid when he can’t answer whatever Mrs. Wilson is asking him about, he’s not dumb though,and he wants to pay attention. It’s just that when Mrs. Wilson starts talking about things like outer space, he can’t help but thinking about aliens, _what color are they? Obviously green, are they nice? He hopes so, how cool would it be to have an alien at home? He once watched a movie about a kid who became friends with an alien and they could fly with his bike. He’d love to fly with his bike, he’s tried before. It didn’t work, he fell down and sprained his ankle._ He wants to talk to the other kids about it. Then,he is reminded that everyone in his class thinks that he’s dumb, because he can’t answer simple things that the rest of them seem to know, and then, he has to concentrate on anything but the class or he’ll end up crying. It’s one thing to be the bad kid and a very different one, to be the crybaby of the class.

And JJ isn’t a baby, he just turned 8, thank you very much.

That's why he enjoys gym class. They’re always moving, the more you move the better and that’s awesome. Everyone wants to be friends with JJ in gym class, everyone wants him in their team,he’s the cool kid then and no one gets mad at him for talking nonstop, as long as he keeps scoring. 

He actually manages to concentrate a little bit more during this class and Mrs. Wilson notices that. She asks him to stay behind one day when school is over , she explains to him that he might have a thing, with a funny name with lots of letters, that he should go to the doctor and get a medicine to help him focus. She makes him promise that he’ll tell his parents but, they both know that he won’t. He feels fine, that means that he’s not ill and he’s not dumb. He doesn’t need to go to the stupid doctor. He hates doctors because they hurt and daddy hates them because they are expensive, so he doesn’t tell his parents about it .

To be honest, the longer he can keep his parents from knowing that he’s broken, the better.

His momma had always laughed when he brought letters from Mrs. Wilson, that said that he had been causing havoc in class, or not staying still . She said that he reminded her so much of herself, that she used to be just like him when she was his age, that he’ll grow out of this phase. Then,she would ruffle his hair and help him with his homework. So, JJ doesn’t know why she would leave him because of it. It never seemed like it bothered her.

The thing is, that he can’t think of anything else that could have made her hate him. 

He’s sure that Mrs. Wilson has told her,and know that she knows that JJ is broken, dumb or whatever his teacher seems to think he is, she no longer wants to be his mommy. 

Just to make sure, he asks her. If she’s going to leave him, he deserves to know what he did wrong. “Why don't you love me anymore?” She gasps and rushes to hug him. “What are you talking about?”- his mom wipes away the tears that have been falling down his face and that are now drenching her hoodie - “of course I love you, baby” He shakes his head and keeps crying, she wouldn’t be leaving if she loved him. 

His mom starts telling him that she’s coming back, that it’s only a temporary situation. And ,even though he wishes that he could believe her, JJ knows that once she leaves it’ll be over. She’ll find a new family, one with a smart kid that doesn’t get in trouble in school, she’ll have a nice house, with no leaks and a white picket fence in a nice neighborhood. She’ll never come back.

“Someone needs to take care of daddy while I’m gone.” She ruffles his hair and kisses his temple, before getting up to continue packing. “Will you be mommy’s good boy and take care of daddy until I’m back?” He nods, because he’s 8 and even he knows that his dad needs help. 

JJ thinks that his mom is being mean, his dad works long hours so that they can continue living in their ugly house ,and he is barely home as it is. Now that his mom is leaving them,JJ wonders if they’ll have enough money to keep living there, he doesn’t ask her. It doesn’t seem like she cares. If she did, she wouldn’t leave them. She wouldn’t leave him.

Not much happens after that, he begs her to stay, to take him with her, anything. He knows that it won’t work. If she has decided to go, she’ll leave. And even though he knows this, he can’t stop the tears that stream down his face. He can’t help the feeling of self hatred that flows into his body, if he was better, if he wasn’t dumb and broken, if he didn’t need help focusing in school, maybe his mommy would stay.

JJ knows that he looks stupid, big boys don’t cry because their mommy is leaving, big boys listen to their moms and do what they are asked to do. And, as much as he loves it when his granny tells him that he’s a fine young man, when he wants to be that is. He realizes that he doesn’t want to be a big boy now. He just wants his mommy with him.

“ Mommies are supposed to be with their kids”- he says, in a desperate attempt at making her stay. He’s passed the point of trying to make her understand. He wants to hurt her. If she feels bad about leaving him, she might stay longer and maybe, his dad will wake up and make her stay home. For a second, he wonders if he should wake his dad up but, mommy looked scared to do it, so JJ decides against doing so.

Nothing happens though, she gives him a hug and whispers in his ear “You should go back to sleep,JJ” Then, she grabs her bags, tiptoes to the living room ,leaves her keys in the coffee table and gets out of the house. 

JJ runs after her but, when he catches up , she’s already driving the car out of the driveway. 

That’s the last time that he ever sees her.

**Author's Note:**

> English isn’t my first language, there might be some grammar or vocabulary mistakes. Sorry!


End file.
